How can I hate so much and cry

2017-09-29 19:42:08 by dilandoubishop

Yesterdays meltdown in chat makes me wonder...was it misplaced anger? Or something more? Since the chat incident, my arms are numb and I am still filled with anxiety and rage. You all know about the trauma that is slowly killing me. What you should know is that I once had a trusted friend. An old friend from the old days. I told her what bothered me and what was driving me insane. And she had to open her stupid fucking mouth and told my sisters. Of all the shame and sins I did not want my sister or any of my family to know. I never wanted to hurt them. Somehow, my sister felt responsible. You see I never got along with my sisters. But they knew how to say hateful words to hurt me. Sister number one sez " Your a shit brother, a shit man and a shit uncle anyway, so don't even bother to come and see your nephews and niece." Thats the kind of hurt I'll never recover from.Then of course sister number 2 said to me was "Your fucking stupid and loser like Dad!". At that time I still struggled finding employment. I spent more time alone. I had no results to show and they were being impatient. Had to be 5 or 6 years ago. But I showed no emotion and remain stoic at that time. I didn't want them to see.

Fast forward 2017, my sister wants to help after hearing what was wrong. She apologizes soo many times for those words and wants to help. But then she shared her pain. From her words, she says that her firstborn son was a product of rape. And she kept that secret for a long time. And then she informed that our younger sister attempted suicide back in 2015. Back then, I hated them soo goddamn much. Back then, I was failing at getting a career. I don't know how much I can cry. I don't know how much I can hate. My molestation, my uncle's suicide, my sister's rape, my other sister's suicide attempt. All came full circle earlier this year. My constant absence in my art thread, my lack of sleep. Suicidal dreams. Flash backs. The ridicule from other NG users. To be called a "Tumblrite" and "train wreck". I don't know what human being can take this abuse. I don't know how much I can hate and cry. I wish this was all a work of fiction. But all these problems just come all the same time. I write these things because I want to explain my unusual habits on NG. I never wanted to cause trouble on NG. Its not that I lacked interest or hated the community. I can't explain right now. Its just too many emotions going through my mind. Maybe I am just a weak man going through something that other people can handle with ease.

Skip here: Anyway, I am trying to forget my problems as long as I can in a short period of time. I have been preparing for Inktober Fest for 1 year now. 350 ml of Pilot drafting ink, Deleter pen holder, g nibs, brushes, and 500 sheets of 70 lb paper. Soon, it will be fucking WAR! October 1st is the start date for Inktober fest. Here is the details:


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2017-09-29 22:20:49

I'm truly sorry, no one should ever go through something like this, but talking smack isn't going to help. I know I sound like an idiot, apologising for something I hadn't done, but I went through a similar experience.

Two years ago, rumors started going around saying that I was a slut and slept with several men. Everyone started avoiding me, mistreating me and beating me up. No one was there to save me, I was alone to fend for myself. This has been happening for months, I felt that it was time to let go. I was sitting on the floor in my room, knife in hand, I was cutting my wrists, ready to kill myself. My boyfriend walked in... Standing near the door in shock, he walked closer to me and dropped to the ground. He held my bloody hands and started crying, "Don't leave me" he choked out in sobs and held me closer. He didn't care that his clothes were getting stained, he wanted me to live.

I feel your pain, talk to me if you need any help.


2017-09-29 23:27:36

I mean, honestly, Collio was a cunt without a doubt, you had your right to be angry, though i do agree that there could have been some other things that made this anger much worse. anyway, i'm sorry you had to go through this, and i hope things get better for you. btw, remember what i said about people shaming others for having mental illness? in case you forgot, they should jump off a building and land head first into the ground. trust me, you're no train wreck nor Tumblrite, you're just some person who's been through some shit and this shit has affected you so much because who wouldn't be affected by molestation, a family member's death and so much more? you'd have to be brain dead to simply throw this off as "LOL TRENREK xdddd", honestly, there's no shame in all of this at all, but i'd say there's a huge shame in actually being so much of a cancer to humanity to actually shame someone for going through these experiences.

Seriously, how can some people lack empathy so much, act like cunts as if it's something "Awesome" and also be this fucking stupid? oh wait, never mind, i forgot this existed.


2017-10-02 19:17:58

I'm still here whenever you need to talk. Good luck with Inktober Fest.


2017-10-09 02:50:42

You have ptsd, dude.


2017-10-09 02:51:27

And just to clarify, I'm being serious. PTSD's no joke.