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Yesterdays meltdown in chat makes me wonder...was it misplaced anger? Or something more? Since the chat incident, my arms are numb and I am still filled with anxiety and rage. You all know about the trauma that is slowly killing me. What you should know is that I once had a trusted friend. An old friend from the old days. I told her what bothered me and what was driving me insane. And she had to open her stupid fucking mouth and told my sisters. Of all the shame and sins I did not want my sister or any of my family to know. I never wanted to hurt them. Somehow, my sister felt responsible. You see I never got along with my sisters. But they knew how to say hateful words to hurt me. Sister number one sez " Your a shit brother, a shit man and a shit uncle anyway, so don't even bother to come and see your nephews and niece." Thats the kind of hurt I'll never recover from.Then of course sister number 2 said to me was "Your fucking stupid and loser like Dad!". At that time I still struggled finding employment. I spent more time alone. I had no results to show and they were being impatient. Had to be 5 or 6 years ago. But I showed no emotion and remain stoic at that time. I didn't want them to see.
Fast forward 2017, my sister wants to help after hearing what was wrong. She apologizes soo many times for those words and wants to help. But then she shared her pain. From her words, she says that her firstborn son was a product of rape. And she kept that secret for a long time. And then she informed that our younger sister attempted suicide back in 2015. Back then, I hated them soo goddamn much. Back then, I was failing at getting a career. I don't know how much I can cry. I don't know how much I can hate. My molestation, my uncle's suicide, my sister's rape, my other sister's suicide attempt. All came full circle earlier this year. My constant absence in my art thread, my lack of sleep. Suicidal dreams. Flash backs. The ridicule from other NG users. To be called a "Tumblrite" and "train wreck". I don't know what human being can take this abuse. I don't know how much I can hate and cry. I wish this was all a work of fiction. But all these problems just come all the same time. I write these things because I want to explain my unusual habits on NG. I never wanted to cause trouble on NG. Its not that I lacked interest or hated the community. I can't explain right now. Its just too many emotions going through my mind. Maybe I am just a weak man going through something that other people can handle with ease.
Skip here: Anyway, I am trying to forget my problems as long as I can in a short period of time. I have been preparing for Inktober Fest for 1 year now. 350 ml of Pilot drafting ink, Deleter pen holder, g nibs, brushes, and 500 sheets of 70 lb paper. Soon, it will be fucking WAR! October 1st is the start date for Inktober fest. Here is the details: http://mrjakeparker.com/inktober