Oh god, what have I become?

2017-09-21 16:53:24 by dilandoubishop

The stress, the trauma, the depression, and the uncontrollable anger combined with the pressure to succeed...has taken its toll. No wonder my colleagues and friends no longer make contact or affiliate with me. I did the best I could with the tools I had and the current shitty circumstance I had. And yet, my best wasn't good enough. Wasn't good enough for anybody. My family members were right. I'm a loser. Just like my father. I only had the best intentions. It hurts to be snubbed by your peers. I wish I wasn't alive. I'll have to ponder what do. Till then, I'll have to jot down my thoughts on these journals and try to summon some strength to draw again.


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2017-09-22 13:43:02

It's sad how good people have to suffer in this world. I suffered really bad too.

dilandoubishop responds:

I feel your pain.


2017-09-22 22:08:19

Hey man, if your "friends" distance themselves from you just because you have some issues then they're probably not worth thinking about at all. if they were your friends, they wouldn't just leave you like you're some kinda burden, they'd stick around and try to help.

It's a real shame how things are turning out like this btw, but trust me, if you keep going and if you keep fighting, things will change, and those people who called you a "Loser" will be proven wrong when that happens.

dilandoubishop responds:

I don't blame my friends. This would be outside of their expertise, hell most peoples experience really. I mean. Imagine from an outside point of view. How would you talk to a person contemplating suicide? how would you tell them that things will be okay, even though you are uncertain yourself? Maybe the fact of the matter, they are afraid. They just don't understand. Its like, your the only person at rock bottom and everyone else is fine. After all, they have a future to look forward to. They are too busy. Unlike some, who don't see a future over the horizon. I worry about doing things wrong. Everything doesn't turn out right when I try. You can't blame me if I am a downer. And I can't blame people for laughing at me or calling me a loser. I'm just more pissed when I am accused of "seeking failure" or "wanting failure' or "choose" to be depressed. Its just...raw and real emotions. I don't control it.