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I just have an incredibly hard time to distract myself from these suicidal thoughts. Its frustrating and depressing. Every day I feel like crying. Everyday I am reminded how much of a loser I am. With my humanity taken from me, my manhood taken from me. It sucks to be alive like this. This is not a life worth living. This is not a life worth fighting for. And to salvage a life from this is soo meager. Its like I have ended with less than what I started with. Its like I am abandoned. No friends, no family. And in turn it distracts me from being productive in art. I have been fighting this for more than 3 years. I contemplate this too much. Researching The method, the timing, the one to sure to succeed. As for help, I don't have money or insurance. My state medicare won't help me in medical or therapy. All I can do is sleep. Even then the nightmares come. I'll have to think about what to do. I'll have to search a way. In the end, don't be surprised if things turn out the way they do. And don't bother feeling sorry for me.Just carry on as usual.