I am a laughing stock

2017-09-13 21:14:08 by dilandoubishop

I just have an incredibly hard time to distract myself from these suicidal thoughts. Its frustrating and depressing. Every day I feel like crying. Everyday I am reminded how much of a loser I am. With my humanity taken from me, my manhood taken from me. It sucks to be alive like this. This is not a life worth living. This is not a life worth fighting for. And to salvage a life from this is soo meager. Its like I have ended with less than what I started with. Its like I am abandoned. No friends, no family. And in turn it distracts me from being productive in art. I have been fighting this for more than 3 years. I contemplate this too much. Researching The method, the timing, the one to sure to succeed. As for help, I don't have money or insurance. My state medicare won't help me in medical or therapy. All I can do is sleep. Even then the nightmares come. I'll have to think about what to do. I'll have to search a way. In the end, don't be surprised if things turn out the way they do. And don't bother feeling sorry for me.Just carry on as usual.


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InfinityofficialInfinityofficial

2017-09-13 21:50:16

I understand you. I'm having the same thoughts as you are, I really do understand what you feel. Talk to me, I can help :)

dilandoubishop responds:

My friends can't help me. I don't think there will be any difference at all.


BossBoss

2017-09-14 00:12:17

Hey man the body and mind are very connected and if you want to make a radical positive change you are going to have to check your diet and make sure you're being healthy, staying hydrated, and exercising enough to burn the toxins out of your body that might be depositing themselves and infecting your thoughts.

Your thoughts are part of your bodies health, and you should make an effort to push positive thoughts into your mind as well and flush out the negative thoughts. I think if you start putting effort into these things you will be amazed at how much it truly works.

dilandoubishop responds:

Exercise will not remove years of abuse or recover loss. It will not remove the memories or dreams.


NanoSoftNanoSoft

2017-09-14 00:49:48

Humanity taken away from you? Manhood taken away from you? If you'd like to discuss w/ me what any of these mean, feel free to PM me about them, I'll prob. be there for you

dilandoubishop responds:

You'll find the details here: http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1408068/8#bbspost26049570_post_text there is no more discussion. My friends can't help me anymore.


TroisnyxTroisnyx

2017-09-14 04:24:23

Oi, oi. I have every right to feel sorry for you. PM me; let's talk.

dilandoubishop responds:

there is nothing more to talk about


BossBoss

2017-09-14 20:07:09

You are not a loser. You're very strong to have to go through what you have to go through. Just keep going, you will make it.

dilandoubishop responds:

What is the point of strength if all I have worked for amounted to nothing? Keep going? another year like this? to keep feeling like this? To live like this? 6 years just trying to rebuild, 6 years of perseverance amounted to nothing.


BossBoss

2017-09-14 20:29:14

It may seem like nothing right now, but you will look back and realize that every single thing that you have done is important. the healing process can take a very long time, but it is not impossible and you should not be discouraged.

dilandoubishop responds:

As time goes by. Things are getting worse. I promise progress. But I got nothing to show for it. My family expect results. If I cannot show them anything, then it is the end. To confound the problem, I am losing my shit because of this trauma. I don't have any more hope and I don't have any more help coming my way.


TroisnyxTroisnyx

2017-09-15 03:43:08

There are people here who want to understand and help you. Myself included. Don't push us away.

(Updated ) dilandoubishop responds:

There is a lot for me to think about.


sirleiblsirleibl

2017-09-15 09:39:23

Hi, your post caught my eye and I want to help you out. I am a 24 year old man with slight autism, very few friends, no girlfriend and I still live with my mother(I'm currently working to find a place of my own). With all this going on, I can get anxious and have feeling s of depression. Also there were times I wanted to give up or kill myself. But, there was something in me that kept telling me to keep going forward and eventually I will find my way out of this. I know it's hard, but please do not give up! Use the problems you're going through as motivation to keep going forward because you will make it through. It's going to be okay, trust me.

Kind Regards,

Shawn

(Updated ) dilandoubishop responds:

No. Nothing is okay. I don't have the energy anymore. Failure after failure. And things have gotten worse. Art use to give me solace. Now, not anymore. I feel like I have nothing left. I'll have to think about it.


TroisnyxTroisnyx

2017-09-15 13:55:45

So be it, but it doesn't stop you from drawing the poison out. We want to help you draw it out. And bloody hell, it will be fucking painful, but that's the way life is, and how far you go depends on how willing you are to trust that maybe, just maybe, people want to see you flourish and help.

dilandoubishop responds:

I did had friends to rely on once. To be laughed at, to be ridiculed when I begged for help. They just laughed at me. Trust? I don't even trust my own family. And what if you can't help? what then?


TroisnyxTroisnyx

2017-09-15 14:11:00

Don't scoff at me. It's better for me to have tried and not made it, than not to try at all. Nice try, bud, but if you're gonna be fucking condescending about someone's intentions, is it ANY wonder people distance themselves from you?

If you're gonna be harsh with me, I can dish it right back. You shape yourself up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

dilandoubishop responds:

My only solace left is contemplating suicide. The people who tried to help me, left..they felt they could not help anymore. Its always the same thing repeating. I just don't have the energy anymore.


TroisnyxTroisnyx

2017-09-15 14:43:08

And don't you think you'd have done it now if you kept at this like you're doing now? Pushing everyone away?

But here you are. You posted this to find reason for your life, reason for you to live in spite of it all. No one cries out like this without needing one of these two things: attention, or more crucially, help.

dilandoubishop responds:

timing and opportunity is what keeping me at bay. I am still contemplating it. I don't need the attention. This is a hell I do not want to wish on anybody. I wish this wasn't true, I wish this was all fake. But everyday...everyday.


TroisnyxTroisnyx

2017-09-15 14:53:31

You don't wish it...? Oh, but you do get it. Regardless of what you think, you telling the world draws their attention to you.

So don't try to hide the subconscious. We all know how it works.

dilandoubishop responds:

No. Things were getting worse at a faster rate. I just couldn't keep it under wraps for much longer http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1408068/6#bbspost25948541_post_text it got worse and worse. I was hoping that someone else knew what it was like. I hoped that they knew how to get out of it. But there were no answers.


TroisnyxTroisnyx

2017-09-15 15:05:27

Because no one fucking does, fuckface! Don't expect the impossible out of people! They do. They don't ask how because they don't understand the mind. We're only discovering bits and pieces now. Buy guess what: they don't understand, but they fucking do it anyway.

The fact of the matter is, we're not dehumanising you. You're doing all the legwork in that YOURSELF!

dilandoubishop responds:

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1408068/8#bbspost26049570_post_text and then the dreams and memories just won't go away. Its like its on a loop, taking things from me. There are other things, but just can't talk about them.


TroisnyxTroisnyx

2017-09-15 15:16:14

Feeling sorry for yourself again, like the whiny bastard you are again, I see.

I got news for you, kiddo. I have severe PTSD as well. I get flashbacks, nightmares and memories nearly every day. I get suicidal thoughts as well and I've come close to doing it but, at the end of the day, with something like that, you can NEVER claim you don't have agency over your actions.

Because it is your will at the end of the day to do something about it, or be a lousy whiny bastard.

And I'm this enraged with you because you refuse to take responsibility or the upper route. As anyone else naturally would towards me when I'm like this. So grow the fuck up.

And don't think that these flashbacks and memories of mine aren't pulling me towards the brink.

dilandoubishop responds:

I don't know what your talking about anymore. I don't owe you anything. Just carry on.


sirleiblsirleibl

2017-09-15 16:55:07

Troisnyx, you have a point but the tough love route is not going to work. We have to keep encouraging him to keep moving forward and we can't afford to be bitter with him.


sirleiblsirleibl

2017-09-15 17:15:45

I don't agree with Troisnyx's tough love approach bit she does have a good point. It's okay to cry but at the same time you have to take the upper hand and show that negative energy in your life who's boss. Keep doing your art work, bud because that is your weapon against the negative energy. I am good at 3d modeling and that helps ease away the depression and anxiety. Keep your head up soldier. If you need anything call me at 312-931-5242. This is a war you are going through and I am going to be your fellow soldier.

Kind Regards,

Shawn.

dilandoubishop responds:

I don't know what you people are talking about anymore. Tough love? negative energies? This is what you call help? I have a lot on my mind. I'll have to think about this. Think about all of this.


sirleiblsirleibl

2017-09-16 11:35:17

Check your inbox. I sent you a message.


TroisnyxTroisnyx

2017-09-16 17:51:14

You owe me some fucking RESPECT after scoffing at me like that the first time! And I ain't gonna let you off on that! So you better fucking live, because I'm going to hound your soul if you don't!


sirleiblsirleibl

2017-09-16 20:32:27

Troisnyx, FUCK OFF!