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The stress, the trauma, the depression, and the uncontrollable anger combined with the pressure to succeed...has taken its toll. No wonder my colleagues and friends no longer make contact or affiliate with me. I did the best I could with the tools I had and the current shitty circumstance I had. And yet, my best wasn't good enough. Wasn't good enough for anybody. My family members were right. I'm a loser. Just like my father. I only had the best intentions. It hurts to be snubbed by your peers. I wish I wasn't alive. I'll have to ponder what do. Till then, I'll have to jot down my thoughts on these journals and try to summon some strength to draw again.
What the fuck. Troisynx thinks I chose this. I did not want to be molested by my grandfather. I did not want to see my uncle commit suicide. I did not choose any of this shit. And she fucking thinks I can get over this shit like its the Goddamn Common fucking cold? She fucking insults me and act superior. How the fuck does that help me? One person tells me to exercise, another tells me to keep strong. How the fuck any of this shit will get back the time I lost? How will this shit end the nightmares and memories? Meanwhile I struggle and fail. And everyone else just points and laughs. I struggle with these suicidal thoughts for the past 3 years. And all I wanted to do was do art. With all these problems there is no way I can be inspired to do it. Fuck this life! I am fucked up to the point that no one passing by would even bother to piss on me. God fucking dammit! If only I had a fire arm. I end this shit here and now. No more talk and no more wait. sigh. I wish I could throw all this away and never look back. Abandon this life and live worry free. I have to still contemplate it. I feel so tired. I feel old. I think I need some sleep. I think I need more time to think.
I feel as though I have lost my purpose. I gave up a lot of things to pursue my dream in art. I feel this life is not worth living, not worth fighting. So many setbacks, so many problems confounding my mind. I know I sound like a broken record. I know I should look for help. I know this is my fault. All I can do is just document and write down my thoughts. Its all I can do now. Until I can make a decision.
I just have an incredibly hard time to distract myself from these suicidal thoughts. Its frustrating and depressing. Every day I feel like crying. Everyday I am reminded how much of a loser I am. With my humanity taken from me, my manhood taken from me. It sucks to be alive like this. This is not a life worth living. This is not a life worth fighting for. And to salvage a life from this is soo meager. Its like I have ended with less than what I started with. Its like I am abandoned. No friends, no family. And in turn it distracts me from being productive in art. I have been fighting this for more than 3 years. I contemplate this too much. Researching The method, the timing, the one to sure to succeed. As for help, I don't have money or insurance. My state medicare won't help me in medical or therapy. All I can do is sleep. Even then the nightmares come. I'll have to think about what to do. I'll have to search a way. In the end, don't be surprised if things turn out the way they do. And don't bother feeling sorry for me.Just carry on as usual.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going. Like a broken record, these memories and dreams keep re-looping in my mind. Its difficult to find anything to distract me from those thoughts. These thoughts are distracting me from my pursuit of art. I feel like I am just wasting my time. Its been more than 3 years of this...I feel like I am just stalling the inevitable. Nevermind the constant difficulty in finding work in this field. I'm just...saddened by the thought that I can't explore art anymore. Saddened that I can't dream anymore. Anyway, I hope you all take care of yourself.
This constant state of severe depression is..insufferable. I feel like there is not much to live for. And..not much worth living for. Its been on my mind for too long. These goddamn memories..always creeping up on me. I feel this is the beginning of the end. Art might have to take the back seat. Not like my art was worth or meant anything anyway.
I am losing my shit. And it seems that pursuing an art career of some kind is looking more and more impossible. Its getting harder to maintain as time goes by. My art is getting worse. But I'll try to presevere and endure. I'll probably try and draw something again.